Oversharing, Weekly
What I should have told my therapist instead of the internet
This is going to be different. Think of this as literally an insight into my diary. Who knows, maybe this will become a series where I talk about the week past, what I did, how I felt, what was blasted on the speakers, and what was added to the cart.
I’m really trying to utilize this space as a means to communicate with myself. To babble first, and understand later, and maybe share some super cute things that I want to buy.
If it resonates with others, then that is the cherry on top; if it doesn’t, then that is okay. I am trying to rewire my brain to not crave outside validation.
My period is about to start (it better, took some risks recently if you know what I mean), so I’m really in my feelings overall.
Last week at work was strange. I had just returned from Arizona, where we held my grandmother's funeral. It was emotionally exhausting, and I was left in a weird haze of inflection.
The only silver lining was that we were able to spend quality time with friends and family again, but in a matter of healing rather than fight or flight.
I had a lightbulb moment one day while I was on my lunch. My grandmother, before she passed, said she really hoped I would decide to have children. Something she and I had many conversations about. I had always told her I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids, at least not any time soon.
When she asked why? My response was always the same: I am far too selfish.
Gasp!
Shocking, I know, to admit to my super Catholic grandmother that I am a selfish sinner! Let me live in gluttony- spend my money on clothing I don’t need, relish in the indulgence of fine dining, and world travelling. Stay up until 4 am with my husband, not to listen for a baby monitor, but to have raunchy sex.
I’ve enjoyed being selfish.
I really did not think my decision to have children would be controversial, but that’s being a woman for you.
Anyway, when I was staying with her in the hospital, she said, “I hope you have children, it is the biggest blessing of your life to be surrounded by family. If you don’t have children, you will be alone when you die.” Grandma… so blunt!
I have thought about it a lot in the past three weeks. For such a long time, I truly was against having children. Blame vanity or political turmoil.
I’m coming around now, maybe biology is doing the legwork, or it’s seeing my perfect angel fairy princess niece, not sure.
Regardless, growing up, I was always around family. A lot of family, too. We saw each other constantly, so it never felt like I was missing anything or could be missing anything. The family has always been fulfilling, chaos and all.
One of my youngest cousins recently confessed to me that all she wants is to be around family and be a mom. She grew up in California, away from the majority of the family, and she felt like she had no one.
It got me thinking that maybe I didn’t feel the pull to be a mother because I never felt like I was without. As if I already had everything I needed, so there’s no reason to have a family of my own. The family I was born into was enough.
So then I looked far into the future, where I may be living with my husband. Most likely away from the majority of the family because we love living in SF and want to eventually live in Europe, etc., and really, who knows where life will take us, we’re free spirits and independent!
Anyway, I realized, “Wow, my family will be gone by the time my life comes to an end. I may have some friends around me, but will I be close to their children, and will they want to be around when I go?”
It’s such a morbid thought and hard to consider. No one wants to think about when they will die and what that will look like.
Anyway, that’s what kept me up at night this past week. Is that normal?
In lighter news, I’ve been trying to figure out what to wear to the wedding we are going to in June in Italy. It’s been a challenge. I have tried so many different dresses. This Rat & Boa is the winner so far, with one more en route.
I got this cutie patootie beaded back from Etsy (DUH) because they have the best one-of-a-kind bags, per my last article.
Etsy Finds pt. 2
If you also fantasize about the handgrip in Pride and Prejudice, the emerald dress from Atonement, and Jo March’s speech about women wanting to be loved, then these Etsy finds might be for you on your next frolic.
What is in my cart:
Ulla Johnson Linen Halterneck top in navy and black for under $250
Maison Margiela Tabi ballet flats are definitely not under $250
Farm Rio Scarf bag, the Brasil print really does it for me
My parents came out to visit us for the weekend. We had the best time. The weather was showing off, and we joked that we called the chamber of commerce to make sure the weather was supreme for them. So I obviously took them to the best spots for food.
This is where I ate:
San Tung- chicken wings, steamed pork potstickers, black soy noodles
Lobalita- horchata colada, guac, quesadilla (the horchata colada drink was 10/10)
Côte Ouest Bistro- ham omelette, onion soup, croque madame
Radhaus- curry sausage, trout toast, pretzel
Wayfair Tavern- shrimp cocktail, steak tartare, deviled eggs, watermelon lemonade plus vodka, fried chicken, burger sub, mashed potatoes, Cobb salad, donuts, churro
Fred’s Place- omelette, burger, and Swedish pancake
Sam’s Anchor Cafe- fish tacos, poke, dirty bird sandwich
Where I went:
On Mother’s Day, we decided to be spontaneous and venture out to wine country, unbelievably, it’s an hour away from SF, and such a magical place.
There is something so special about becoming friends with your parents as an adult.
Anyway, this upcoming week I’m hoping to get some good news on the job front, so ladies, please manifest with me some positive changes.
What’s on my TBR:
Crescent City: House of Sky and Breath (finishing tonight)
Crescent City: House of Flame and Shadow
Substack TBR:
What I am listening to:
xo
erin
What works well here is the movement between surface and depth.
The piece begins almost playfully — dresses, food, travel, “what’s in my cart” — and then quietly opens into something much heavier: the realization that family once felt permanent because it was always surrounding her...
I absolutely love this, also sending you a hug<3 I am such an over sharer too and I love reading other peoples thoughts and blurbs of anything!!! You are so fun to read :)